April was a hard month.
I struggled deeply with waiting on God. It wasn’t the kind of waiting where you sit quietly and patiently, but the kind that feels like you’re sinking while begging for something to hold onto. I slipped often. I fell back into sin, blamed God, got angry with Him, avoided reading my Bible and praying altogether. And yet, time after time, He brought me back. He never left. He accepted me, again and again.
This month has been marked by anger, frustration, loneliness, depression and perhaps most of all, discouragement. My joblessness has weighed heavily on me. I hate being idle. Not in the sense of having nothing to do I read, I cook, I clean, I watch TV, but in the sense of lacking purpose. I long for the kind of work that makes a person feel useful, needed, and fulfilled. Waking up became something I dreaded. Each day felt like a marathon I didn’t want to run. I started staying up late just so I could sleep longer and push off the start of another empty-feeling day.
But even in all that, there were some glimmers of light. One thing I finally did something I’d put off for a while was watch The Chosen, the historical drama about Jesus and His disciples. All four seasons were on Prime, and with no more excuses, I pressed play. I’ll be honest: I was skeptical. I worried it might be poorly done, and since I get very invested in shows, I didn’t want to waste that emotional energy. But I was wrong so wrong. It’s beautifully made and deeply moving. It even made me want to dive back into the Gospels with fresh eyes.
One particular scene from Season 1 struck a nerve. Simon Peter is out on the water, casting his net over and over again, catching nothing. While working, he recalls God’s promises how He delivered Israel from Egypt, from Babylon and now they’re under Roman rule. In a moment of exasperation, he looks up at the sky and says something like, “Sometimes I think You just like to yank us around like goats.”
I felt that. So much.
This season of waiting has included many moments like that for me moments when I’ve questioned whether God still loves me, whether He sees me, or whether I’m being punished for something I did. It’s in those moments that I understood, even just a little, why some people walk away from the faith. Following Christ means giving up control. It means trusting Him completely something that doesn’t come naturally to us. And while I’ve seen God come through in the past, this time, He’s making me wait longer than I’d like. That’s been hard.
I wish trusting God came easily and consistently, but it doesn’t. Some days I’m full of faith, and other days I’m full of doubt. The cycle can feel exhausting. I let frustration and negativity creep in more often than I care to admit.
But here’s what I’m learning: God doesn’t grow tired of us. He doesn’t walk away when we falter. He comes after us again and again. His love is boundless. One passage that really spoke to me this month was the parable of the lost sheep in Luke 15. Jesus paints the picture of a shepherd who leaves the 99 to find the one lost sheep. That’s how He loves us. I’ve been that lost sheep many times this month, and each time, God has come looking for me.
Whatever the rest of the year holds, I know this season will stand out for one reason: it reminded me no, it proved to me how unrelenting and undeserved God’s love really is. Even in the waiting, even in the dark, His grace never stops reaching for me.
...THROUGH MY EYES ✨ 