January has been one of those months.
The kind where I’ve found myself worrying about the future, yet somehow remaining calm because deep down, I know God has me. Both things have existed at the same time, and I’m learning that this tension doesn’t mean I lack faith. It just means I’m human.
Work has been good better than I expected, actually. This new role is stretching me. I’m taking on more responsibility, and for the first time, I’m seeing projects through from beginning to end. In the past, I was mostly in supportive roles, working behind the scenes. Now, I’m more involved, more visible and that has been exciting in ways I didn’t anticipate.
Still, I’ve found myself asking God why He led me back to my previous place of employment. If I’m honest, it doesn’t look like what I prayed for. I wanted longevity. Permanence. To be part of staff. Medical insurance. A pension. Stability.
The pay is good, and I’m grateful but the role is still temporary. I don’t know how long I’ll be here, and a part of me dreads the idea of having to wait for a job again. That season was heavy, and I’m not eager to repeat it.
And yet, despite all of this I have an unshakeable peace. I truly believe I am exactly where God wants me to be. That belief quiets my anxiety. It reminds me that He has already seen what I cannot, and that He will take care of me no matter what comes next.
Lately, I’ve also been reflecting on what I value most in my life: my family, my friendships, my spiritual life, and my career. For a long time, my career has mattered so much to me because, quite honestly, it’s all I had. While others built lives filled with marriage, children, and companionship, work became my anchor.
But recently, I’ve been feeling unsettled. Lonely, even. Like I want more.
What’s surprising is that this isn’t something I ever used to think about. Marriage. Babies. A family of my own. But God has given me a glimpse, just enough to awaken a desire I didn’t know lived in me. And now that it’s there, I can’t ignore it.
So I’ve decided to trust that if God placed this desire in my heart, He will also be faithful to work it out in His time, in His way.
This year, my prayer has been for ease. Ease in my work. Ease in my relationships. Ease in my becoming. I don’t want to strive my way into God’s promises anymore.
I’m also trying to return to myself to the things I once loved. Puzzles. Fiction. Quiet joy. I’m working on shedding some kilos too, which has been… complicated. But so far, so good.
My spiritual life is another area I’m intentionally tending. I want consistency. Depth. Honesty. But if I’m truthful, there’s also a weariness that comes with living a life fully submitted to God. I love Him. I trust Him. I just sometimes wish obedience didn’t require so much surrender.
I wish it were easier.
January has been a month filled with many emotions gratitude, longing, hope, fear, peace, all tangled together. I’m still processing it all. But even here, in the mess of it, I know this: God is with me. And for now, that is enough.
...THROUGH MY EYES ✨ 