I started 2026 with a clear goal: to read the Bible from beginning to end in a year, this time using the ESV. I’ve only done it once before, and I wanted to challenge myself again. January began well. I was consistent, disciplined, and proud of myself for keeping pace.
But somewhere after Numbers, something shifted. My quiet time slowly started to feel mechanical. What had begun as desire began to feel like duty. Instead of looking forward to time with God, I found myself focused on finishing chapters. It felt like a checklist I needed to complete.
And I didn’t want that.
I didn’t want my relationship with God to feel like a task.
So I changed things. I picked up a book I had bought a while ago, The Awe of God by John Bevere, and began reading a chapter a day alongside Scripture. That small shift reignited something in me. The book has been stretching me deeply, especially around the idea of holy fear not fear that drives you away from God, but the kind that anchors you in reverence and sharpens your awareness of His holiness. It has challenged me to examine my motives and to ask myself why I do what I do.
This month made me reflect on how easy it is to try to “get it right” with God. To be disciplined. To be consistent. To be the version of ourselves we think He expects. But what I’m learning and still learning is that nothing builds intimacy with God like honesty.
Talking to Him about who I fought with that day. Telling Him how I truly feel about work or friendships. Admitting my insecurities. Sharing the things that feel small, petty, or unspiritual. I’ve realized that intimacy with God grows when I stop performing and start being real. He already knows everything anyway. So why pretend?
There is something deeply comforting about being able to speak to God about my day as it unfolds. And I love the “God winks” those small, personal moments where it feels like He is reminding me that He heard me, that He sees me, that He cares even about the things that seem trivial. That quiet affirmation means more to me than I can explain.
I also noticed that when life feels still, I tend to worry that God isn’t working. When there’s no obvious breakthrough, no visible movement, no dramatic shift, I assume something is wrong. But I’m beginning to understand that stillness is often when God is doing the deepest inner work. Without busyness or distraction, you are forced to sit with yourself. And in that space, I’ve been learning so much about my patterns, my fears, my relational tendencies, and the areas where I still need healing.
In the middle of all this reflection, I did something I never thought I would do. I attended a Valentine’s dinner at a local church, alone. I didn’t know anyone there. And yet, I had such a good time. I made new friends, ate good food, danced more than I expected to, and left feeling inspired by the sermon from the lead pastor. I walked away grateful that I chose courage over comfort.
And yes, I also watched the latest season of Love Is Blind. I can’t help myself , it’s become a fun pastime for my friend Gicuku and me. But beyond the drama and entertainment, it made me think deeply about how our backgrounds shape the way we relate to people. Watching relationships unfold, and sometimes unravel, sparked honest reflection about my own friendships and future romantic relationships. I’ve been asking myself hard questions about how I show up, where I may withdraw, and how I might unknowingly sabotage something good if I don’t deal with certain patterns now.
I think I’ve finally identified the root of a few things. Now the real work is bringing that awareness to God in prayer and inviting Him into the process of change.
In between the introspection, there were simple joys too. Walks with friends. Weekly Bible study. Binge-watching shows. Staying connected to community. Doing my best to remain connected to the Vine, because I am constantly reminded that He alone is my source.
February wasn’t loud. It wasn’t dramatic. It wasn’t filled with major milestones. But it was honest. It was stretching. It was still in a way that forced depth instead of distraction.
...THROUGH MY EYES ✨ 