Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am. Not just who I want to become, but who I already am the way my mind works, the things that come naturally to me, and the tendencies I sometimes wish I could switch off. I’m very Type A. I’m organized, I overthink, and I like plans. I like knowing what is happening and where things are going. I can be a perfectionist, and I tend to be quite hard on myself. For a long time, I thought some of these things were flaws I needed to overcome. But lately, I’ve started wondering whether they are also part of how God made me.
My organised brain has served me well professionally. I notice details, think ahead, like things to be done properly and care about the quality of my work. At my current job, I’m beginning to see just how much these tendencies can be strengths. I’m trusted with projects and decisions, and I’m learning so much. I’m incredibly grateful for that. Sometimes I find myself thinking about where else I would have had the opportunity to do some of the things I’m doing now, and it reminds me that perhaps God really did place me where I needed to be. But I’ve also started wondering whether the same personality traits that make me good at work sometimes make my relationship with God harder.
Because I tend to turn everything into something I need to get right. Career? Improve. Health? Improve. Relationships? Figure them out. Life? Plan. And sometimes, without even realising it, I think I approach God the same way. I want to know if I’m praying enough, reading the Bible enough, going to church enough or growing enough. I wonder if I’m doing this whole “relationship with God” thing properly. But perhaps that’s the problem. I’ve been thinking about my relationship with God through the lens of someone who likes measurable progress, when intimacy doesn’t always work like that.
There are days when I genuinely love reading the Bible, enjoy being in church and feel deeply moved by worship music. And then there are other days when all I can manage is a sermon or podcast while I’m driving or lying in bed. Sometimes I worry that I’m not doing enough. But maybe God isn’t sitting somewhere keeping score. Maybe listening to a worship song in the car can be prayer. Maybe one verse that stays with me all day can be enough for that day. Maybe talking to God honestly, even when I don’t have the right words, is still intimacy. I’m beginning to realise that perhaps my relationship with God doesn’t need to look perfect to be real.
And that is difficult for someone like me, because I like certainty. I like plans. I like knowing what comes next. Yet so much of faith is learning to trust when you don’t know what comes next. I’ve also been thinking a lot about turning 40. I’m 35 now, and suddenly, 40 doesn’t feel particularly far away. I’ve started making all these plans in my head about where I want to be by then, maybe a different apartment, car, job, body, community or relationship. A completely new version of myself.
There is something exciting about it. I feel motivated and like I want to grow and stretch myself. But there is also pressure, and I wonder where that pressure comes from. When did my life become a project that needed to be completed by a certain age? Why do I feel like I need to arrive somewhere? Perhaps this is another place where my personality and my faith collide. Because I can become so focused on the woman I’m trying to become that I forget to appreciate the woman I already am the woman who has built a career, made mistakes and kept going, loves her friends, still gets ridiculously excited about Marvel movies, wants to fall in love, wants a deeper relationship with God and is still figuring things out.
Maybe I don’t need to have everything figured out by 40. Maybe I don’t need to become a completely different person. Maybe growth doesn’t always mean constantly fixing myself. Perhaps it means learning to appreciate the person God has already made me to be while continuing to grow into who I’m becoming. Maybe I just need to keep walking with God towards it all, one day, one prayer and one imperfect attempt at surrender at a time.
This month wasn’t all doom and gloom either. I watched the new Spider-Man movie with friends, which got me ridiculously excited for Avengers: Doomsday coming in December. I also went for a ruracio’, a traditional wedding ceremony, for my friend’s brother. It turned into a lovely little road trip filled with dancing, food and good company. I visited a newborn baby, about six weeks old, belonging to a couple of friends from church, and it was such a chill and lovely day. I also met up with my manager, Bery, in person and enjoyed getting to know her on a more personal level. Mostly, though, I caught up with my friend Gicuku as we worked together from a café one day and spent another at the farmers’ market.
Looking back, it was actually a pretty great month. It ended with me feeling grateful for work, friendships, new experiences and the little moments that make life feel full. And I look ahead to the final quarter of 2026.
...THROUGH MY EYES ✨ 